Tema 10: Las Sin Cities (Lassie in City)
- ¡¡¡Diossssssssssss!!!. ¡¡¡Mirá el dezaaaaastre que dejaron en el rancho, canejo!!!. Zieeeeempre lo meeesmo. Ziem-pre-lo-meees-mo. Pero zi pareze que por acá hubiera pazado un malón, ahijuna. ¡¡¡Mire que le avisé que no hicieran despelote!!! - se queja Espíritu Santo.
- ¿Qué deeée-ée-zís?. Bien que voz también te prendiste en la kermesse ¡y no para jugar al sapo! - le grita el querubín.
- ¡Mirá lo quej ejto! - contesta Espíritu Santo mientras levanta la cabeza de Zeus agarrándola de los pelos. Está totalmente desmayado, hay un charco de vómito en el piso y tiene todo el bombachón meado. - A éste ni lo vinieron a buscar ¿y yo tengo que hacerme cargo de limpiar eeeejto?.
- No, si lo vuá aser sho - se burla Angel María, que está vestida con un traje blanco de novia. - Like a virgin...just for the very first taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaimmmm...¡Au!...
- Uy, estas chinas...¡se pueden callar que se meeeeeee paáa-aárte eeéeee-éel marote, culea`as! - ordena Dios.
- Hora - llega Angel Ito con unas boleadoras. - ¡Hora!. Tucata-catú---tucata...- exclama y empieza a pegarle al piso mientras zapatea.
- ¡Miiiiirenló al maula haziéndose el gaucho domador!. Aura mesmo se me va y se me saca esos ropajes redículos...y se me pone este vestidito de mazorquera y me espera en la tapera - le exige Angel Angela.
- ¡¡¡Alguien que me zebe unoz matienzos, a ver zi ze me paza el dolor de zabiola!!! - pide Dios, pero nadie le presta atención. Están todos impresionados por las destrezas de Angel Ito, que le hace a las boleadoras y al zapateo con gran habilidad.
- Tucata-catú-tucata----tucata-catú-tucata - está el Angel Ito meta que meta con las boleadoras. Angel María baila un pericón celestial a su alrededor. Cuando Angel Ito termina, todos baten alas, aplauden y vitorean.
- Au au au au au auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu...
- ¡Pensar que lo conozco desde que en laj alitas tenia dooooozzzz plumitas nomaj!.
- ¡¡¡Hoooooooora, hora hora hora hora!!!! - grita de repente el querubín. - Aquéeee... - dice y hace una pausa. - Aquéeeeeeee...
Todos los demás aplauden a Querubín, el payador.
Aqué me pongo a cantar
de nube en nube voy zaltando
y a la Angel Maria le digo
¡me la puede ir agarrando!.
A esa china la tuve
con las alas bien atadas
le di para que tuviera
debajo de las frazadas
Soy chiquito y rendidor
y soy rápido y veloz
prefiero 50 cortitos
que uno largo y cansador
- ¡¡¡Bravo, bravo!!! - festejan los demás.
- ¡Hora, hora, hora, hora! - irrumpe Angel Maria. - Si me permite responder - dice y empieza a cantar.
El amigo se hace el vivo
de la lengua para afuera
pero en la cama conmigo
no llegó ni a la decena
- ¡¡¡Jajajaja!!! - ríen varios y festejan tomando vino y comiendo empanadas kosher.
Me dijo "China te parto"
pero nada de partirme
allá a lo del chiquito
solo fui para aburrirme
Porque está la multitud
se hace el petiso el canchero
¡Cierre el pico Querubín!
¡No zea tan bolazero!
- ¡Huijaaaaa!.
- ¡Eztupenda la guriiiiisa!.
- ¡Hora, hora, hora, hora! - interrumpe ahora Angel Ito y todos hacen silencio. Entonces, empieza a cantar.
Hora hora hora hora
hora hora ho ho hora (boleadoras)
hora horá, hora horá
hora hora hora hohohora (zapateo)
Hora hora (boleadoras) hora hora
Hora hora hora
Hora (zapateo) hora hora
Hora (zapateo) hora (boleadoras) hora ¡horá! (boleadoras y zapateo, rodilla en nube y pelos al viento)
- ¡¡¡Sublimeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! - estallan todos en el Cielo.
- ¡¡¡Genio!!!.
- ¡¡¡Im-pre-zio-nan-te!!!.
- ¡¡¡Ese es mi cimarrón!!! - exclama Angel Angela revoleando la pollera mientras todos se tapan los ojos para no ver lo que hay abajo.
- ¡Hora hora hora hora! - interrumpe Dios y el silencio esta vez es sepulcral.
Aquéeeee se termina la fiesta,
se me dejan de joder
que yo no estoy para el chiste
y tengo mucho que hacer
Ustedes sigan así
y sigan sin laburar
que los cago de infeliz,
¡del Cielo los voy a echar!
- Pero...¡andá a hacerte el Martin Fieyo a otra parte!.
- ¡¡¡Uh...que mal el Don Zoilo!!!.
- ¡Perro del hortelano!.
- Vamos, vamos, ¡juira todos!. A laburar canejo, que las vacas no se ordeñan solas - dice Dios.
- ¿Qué son las vacas?.
- ¡Hora! - se queja Angel Ito a pesar que se va bien acompañado hacia su nube después de su magnífica actuación.
- ¡Pero si acá no tenemos vacas!.
- ¿¿¿Qué no tenemos vacas???. Vos porque no la miraste bien a la Espíritu Santo. ¡¡¡Fijate la cintura que tiene esa gorda!!! - grita Angel Angela burlándose.
- Aura zi. Me tenés ye-po-dri-da... ¡¡¡te voy a arrancar las trenzas, china con sorpresa!!! - grita Espíritu Santo y se agarran a las piñas y arañazos.
Dios se aleja de la escena y se apoya contra un poste de luz, mientras usa la barba blanca como si fuera una bufanda.
- Estos...(hace una pausa) estos yiros me tienen podrido. Me voy a tomar un ferné con los muchachos y después (hace una pausa más larga y mira al vacío)...después vamos a laburar. Mientras... ¿dónde estará éste muchacho? - se pregunta Dios. - Querubín. ¿Querubín, dónd...?
- Aca...(pausa) acá erstoy Señor - dice parado en la esquina de la nube, bajo una luz tenue.
- Ah...eh...¿cómo ha...?. Argún día te voy a sacar la ficha a vos (hace una pausa)...si, a vos gil, te voy a sacar la ficha, ¿escuchaste?. Y no me la juegues...(pausa) no me la juegues de gomia, que a mi no me metés el perro - le dice Dios al querubín.
- Pero (pausa)...pero...no se me haga el guapo. No amenace... (pausa. Sube el tono de voz) no amenaaaace si no va a hacer uso - dice el querubín y se lleva la mano al cinturón, amagando a sacar algo. - No amenacés te digo...que yo...(pausa)...yo ya me comí a varios malandras como vos para el desayuno.
- ¿Así que sos compadrito sos?. Ja...Permitime...(pausa) permitime que me ría. Es que (pausa)...es que me causás gracia pebete. Yo... yo a tu edà ya estaba hombreando bolsas en el Cielo en vez de andar fumando en la nube de la esquina, jugando en el potrero, dándole al...
- Con todo respeto (pausa)...con todo respeto Don Diò pero usté...(pausa larga)...usté en su lunga esistencia jamás hombreó nada, si me permite que lo corrija - le dice el querubín mientras apaga un pucho en la nube.
- ¡Me cacho!. Siempre me manco al final del engaño, que lo parió - sonríe de costado Dios. - Me agarraste en la rodada...Mirá...mirá gurrumín, tengo un balurdo bárbaro allá en el bajo, ¿sabés?. Y... ¿Pero...(pausa) pero qué es eso que erscuchan mis oídos?. ¿Qué... qué es esa música celestial? - dice Dios.
- "Mesopotaaaaamiaaaa, más allá la inundacióoooon..." - canta uno abajo de una estrella.
- Erscuchalo (pausa)...erscuchalo ar pibe. Cada día...cada día carta mejor - dice Dios como entristecido.
- Pero...pero Don Dió...no se me ponga melancólico - lo consuela el querubín.
- Discurpame...(pausa)...discurpame pibe...Es que...es que cuardo escucho esta canción, se me pianta un Diluvio Universal...¿sabés?.
Llega Cristo.
- Papá...papá...¿que le pasa papá? - dice emocionado, mientras abraza a su padre, mirando hacia arriba.
- Nada pibe - responde Dios, acariciándole la cabeza a su hijo.
- Nada...es que...(pausa. Dios mira al piso)...es que cuardo escucho ersta carción me acuerdo (hace una pausa larga, enjuga una lágrima)...me acuerdo de tu madre y me pongo (mira de vuelta a Cristo)...y me pongo triste, ¿sabés pebete?.
- Pero papá...(pausA)¿. ¡Papá!. ¡Mamá está viva! - dice Cristo y a Dios se le ilumina la cara.
- ¡Ya lo se hijo!. Por eso me porgo triste. Porque me acuerdo que está viva y no deja de romperme los quinotos...Ahora tomátelas que tengo que laburar. A ver, querubín...
Cristo se va silbando bajito y taconeando, aunque sus tacos no hacen ruidos porque
1 - las sandalias no tienen tacos
2 - fin de la explicación
- Acá Dios - dice el querubín y desaparece.
- ¿Dónde?.
- Acá - contesta el querubín pero ya está en otro lado.
- ¿Dónde? - pregunta Dios dándose vuelta.
- ¡Acá Dios!. ¿No me ve?.
- ¿Te podés quedar quieto?. ¡Ya me estás poniendo nervioso! - dice Dios y suspira. - Hace un tiempito que no se que pasa allá abajo, ¿no podrías ir y fijarte que...?.
- Todo bien Dios - contesta el querubín.
- Eh...bueno, andá y...
- No, no. Ya fui Dió. Le acabo de decir "todo bien". Fui, hice lo que me pidió y...todo bien.
- Pero si yo no te pedí nad... ¿Cómo que fuis...?. Si yo no...No puede ser que seas tan rápido.
- Uy, Dió, ¿otra vez lo mismo?. ¿Quiere que le cuente que pasa o no?. Si quiere no le cuento nada... - responde el querubín haciéndose el interesante.
Dios se queda mirándolo perplejo.
- Bueno, dale, contame.
- Todo bien menos por un par de ciudades que son un quilombo atroz.
- Ajá.
- ¿No quiere saber qué ciudades?.
- Si, si.
Silencio.
- ¿No me va a preguntar?.
- Eh...¿qué?.
- ¿Quiere saber qué ciudades son un quilombo atroz?.
Dios lo mira impaciente.
- Eh...si, claro.
Silencio otra vez.
- Pero...¿me vas a decir o no? - pregunta Dios.
- Si no me pregunta no.
- ¿¿¿¡¡¡Cómo que si no te pregunto...???!!!. ¿¿¿Qué querés que te pregunte???.
- No se, usted sabrá.
- ¿¿¿Cómo que yo sabré???.
- Y si...¿usted qué quiere saber?.
- Qué ciudades son un quilombo atroz.
- Entonces pregúnteme.
- ¿¿¿¡¡¡Querés que te pregunte???!!!. Si ya te dije que quiero saber.
- Si, eso ya lo se.
- Entonces decime.
- Eh, no. Si no me pregunta no.
Dios está ofuscadísimo.
- Uy, si no me decís...
- ¿Si no le digo qué?. ¿Me va a hacer enano?. ¡Ya soy enano!.
Dios empieza a inspirar y exhalar.
- Tranquilo, tranquilo, que el médico dijo que después del Diluvio me tengo que calmar, no comer comidas grasas ni fumar. A ver querido...
- Ja...ahora soy "querido" - dice ofendido el querubín con los brazos cruzados y mirando para otro lado.
- ...¿podrías ser tan amable de decirme cuáles ciudades son un quilombo atroz?.
El querubín se da vuelta despacito.
- ¡¡¡Vió que no era tan difícil preguntar!!!.
- Ayyyy...si no me decís...
- Ah, no, con esa actitud no le digo nada...
Dios se empieza a tirar de la barba.
- Calmado, calmado.
- ¿Ya se le pasó?.
- Si - responde Dios después de una larga exhalación. - Ahora, querubín, estimado querubín, ¿tendrías la divina deferencia de decirme cuáles son esas ciudades?.
- ¿Qué ciudades?.
- ¡¡¡¡Las que son un quilombo atrozzzz!!!.
- Ah, si, esas. Claro Dió...ya le digo...son...eh... - empieza a buscar en los bolsillos. - Si, tenía por acá el pelpa con los nombres... si...eran...pere...
- Querubín...
- Si, si, tiene que estar por acá...
- Que-ru-bín.
- Un minuto Don Dió - contesta nervioso el querubín que no encuentra el papelito.
- ¡¡¡Querubín!!!.
- ¡¡¡Uy, Dió!!!. Perdí el pelpa y no me acuerdo.
- ¡¡¡Querubín, más vale que aparezca el pelpa o te mando a pasar el fin de semana con Angel Angela si no me decís que...!!!.
- Ya volví. Acá...acá está Don Dió. Me lo había dejado en la mesita de luz - dice y empieza a estirar un papel abollado mientras va leyendo todas las anotaciones. - "No hay armas químicas en...". Eh...ah...no...pere...Esta es...si, acá..."El verdadero asesino de Kennedy fue...". No, esta tampo...Acá está, es esta. "Las ciudades que son un quilombo atroz son Sodom...Sodom... y Gom...Gom...". Eh...no se lee bien - sonríe nervioso el querubín. - "...son Sodo...ma y Gomo...Gom...¡Gomonas!".
- Ahá. Ok. Bien hecho querubín. Un "quilombo atroz" decís. ¿Qué quilombo atroz, si puede saberse?.
En la plaza central de Sodoma.
- ¿Quién fue el gracioso que le borró la "i" al cartel con el nombre de la ciudad? - pregunta el intendente ante una multitud de hombres.
Silencio.
- ¿¿¿Nadie???. ¿¿¿No fue "na-die"? - dice enojado remarcando las sílabas del último "nadie".
Silencio prolongado. De golpe se escucha que alguien grita tímidamente acusando a otro.
- ¡Fue el trolo ese!.
- ¿Cuál trolo? - pregunta uno.
- ¿A quién le decís trolo, trolo?.
- ¡A vos trolo! - grita otro.
- ¡Si, fuiste vos trolo!.
- Vení y decímelo en la cara, trolo - contesta uno más.
- ¡Qué manga de trolos!.
- ¡Dejen de pelear trolos!.
- ¿A quién le dijiste trolo, trolo?.
- A vos trolo.
- ¡Trolo vos!.
- ¡Son todos unos trolos!.
- ¡A mi no me digas trolo, trolo!.
- ¡Trolo tu tio!.
- Obvio, si es trolo mi tio. Y el tuyo también. ¡Y vos sos trolo!.
- Si, ¿y trolo?.
- No me digas trolo, trolo.
- Acá no hay ninguno que no sea trolo, trolos.
- ¡Ya te dije que no me digas trolo, pedazo de trolo!.
- ¡Que te hacés si vos sos re-trolo, trolo!.
- ¡Todos somos trolos!.
- Vos serás trolo, trolo.
Y siguen así durante unos 20 minutos hasta que...
- Uf, estos putos me tienen harto - se queja de repente uno.
- Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh - exclama la multitud.
El tipo que se quejó, un viajero de paso por aquella ciudad, se queda sorprendido.
- ¿Qué...qué dije?.
Todos los ojos están sobre Sefué, el viajero, hijo de Partió y Viajó, sobrino de Cam y Onero, nieto de Carlos Romualdo Perez.
- ¡Dijo la palabra con "p"! - grita uno.
- ¡Nos insultóoooo! - grita la multitud.
- ¡Es un asqueroso políticamente incorrecto!.
- Si, a estos trolos nadie les dice...¡eso!.
- Si, soy trolo pero nunca...eso que no quiero repetir.
- ¡Tal cual!. Una cosa es que estos trolos me digan trolo, pero que venga uno de afuera a insultarme diciéndome esapalabraqueseutilizaparainsultaraunvarónporsucondición homosexualyquesedicesoloparahumillaraalguientantoporsuorientación comoporgustossexuales... ¡jamás!.
- Pe...per...pero si son todos...homosexuales... - se defiende tímidamente el viajero. - Entonces son...son putos... -.
- Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
- ¡¡¡La repitió!!!.
- ¡¡¡Se atrevió a decirla de vuelta!!!
- ¡¡¡Hereje!!!.
- ¡¡¡Malnacido!!!.
- ¿Qué repetí?. ¿P...pu...puto? - vuelve a decir Sefué.
- ¡¡¡Nooooooooooooooo!!!.
- ¡¡¡La dijo tres veces!!!.
- ¡¡¡Que forma de insultarnoooos!!!.
- Pero...pero...pero...
De repente todos los trolos se callan al mismo tiempo.
- ...pero...si nos llamó así es porque es...es...es... - cavila uno.
- ¡Es...es...es heterosexualllllllllllll!!! - grita otro.
- ¡Nooooooooooo!.
- ¡Qué asco!.
- ¡Aléjenlo de mi!.
- ¡Contagia, contagia!.
- ¡El fin del muuundoooo!.
- ¡Un infiltrado!.
- ¡Y ni siquiera es bonito! - grita Resibí, el paasivita, hijo de Mamón, el traaguita y Tortá, la leesbianita.
La multitud atrapa al viajero. El intendente hace señas para que se calmen y se callen.
- ¿Qué quieren que hagamos con él? - pregunta mirándolos.
Silencio de vuelta.
- ¡A la hoguerrrrrrraaaa por heterosexual! - grita uno.
- ¡Si, si, si! - exclama la muchedumbre enardecida
- ¡Quémenlo por distinto!.
- ¡Es raro!.
- ¡Exterminenlo por diferente!.
- ¡A la pira!. Uh...digo pira y pienso en fuego y pienso en fuego y pienso en caliente y pienso en caliente y me pongo como loco.
- ¡Qué trolo calentón! - dice el que está a su lado. Entonces se quedan mirándose y 3 segundos después están tirados en el piso de la plaza teniendo sexo desenfrenado.
- ¡Pero estos trolos no se pueden contener y...upa...yo tampoco! - dice un tercero y se prende con los otros dos y así empiezan a prenderse uno a uno hasta que todos están teniendo sexo en una orgía descomunal que incluye al intendente y todo su gabinete.
Aprovechando que todos los put...perdón, los "trolos" están enfiestados, Sefué se va. Al ratito, uno de la orgía se da cuenta que Sefué se fue y le avisa a los otros.
- ¡Sefué se fue! - grita.
- ¿Quién se fue? - pregunta uno.
- No. Quién no. Sefué se fue.
- Ya se que se fue. Pero ¿quién se fue?.
- Sefué.
- ¡Ya se!. Pero ¿quién se fue?.
- ¡No!. Quién no: Sefue.
- Si, se fue, pero decime ¿quién se fue?.
- Sefué.
- ¿Quién?.
- ¡No!. Quién no. Sefué.
- ¡Ya se que se fue!. Pero ¿quién?.
- No, no, no, no. Quién no. El chino está allá.
En la otra punta de la plaza, un chino que estaba arrodillado se para y saluda mientras se limpia los labios.
- Acá estoy - dice Quién, el chino.
- Entonces, ¿quién se fue? - pregunta de vuelta uno de los trolos.
- Uy, por favor trolo: ¿no viste?. Quién está allá.
- ¿Quién?.
- Quien.
- Si, quién. Estoy preguntando quién.
- Quién.
- ¿Quién está allá?.
- Si.
- ¿Si qué?.
- Si. Quién está allá.
- Ay, por Dios. Yo lo único que quería saber era quién se fue.
- Sefué.
- ¡¡¡Ya lo se!!!. Y...ay, basta, me cansaste trolo.
- ¿A quién le decís trolo?.
- Claro. Quién es trolo.
- ¡¡¡Ya se!!!. ¡¡¡Quien es trolo!!!.
- Si, soy trolo - dice el chino.
- Yo estoy preguntando quién se fue.
- ¡¡¡Sefuéeeeee!!!. Ya te lo dije. El que se fue es Sefué, el viajero - dice y señala a la hoguera.
- Ahhhhhh...se escapó Sefue.
- Y...si, si lo teníamos prisionero y aprovechando esta orgía gigantesca que nos distrajo a todos, se fue, entonces si...se escapó. Y dije orgía y no me puedo contener - dice y ahí nomás se arma la partuza de vuelta.
- ¡Un quilombo atroz!. Tenías razón querubín - dice Dios después de ver aquella escena.
- Si Don Dios. Le juro que no había visto nada así desde la última convención del Partido Republicano.
- Tendríamos que hacer algo, ¿no? - lo consulta Dios.
- No se, no me mire a mi. Usted es Dios.
- ¡Yo también soy Dios! - salta Cristo que estaba por ahí.
- ¡No me dejen afueeeeera! - grita desde otra nube el Espíritu Santo.
- Bueno, no vamos a empezar una discusión ahora por esto de la Santísima Trinidad, ¿no?.
- ¿Ah, no?. ¿Entonces cuándo?. Porque al final yo soy tan Dios como vos papá y si yo fuera Dios, no tendría que andar pidiéndote permiso para...
- Ay, por favor. Cristo, estoy ocupado. ¿Podemos hablar de esto en otro momento?.
- Si, si, siempre igual vos. Me voy a alquilar la película que yo quiera...
- Ma` si, tomatelas que yo tengo que laburar. Alquilá lo que se te cante. Querubín...nombraste dos ciudades. Una era ésta, ¿y la otra?.
- La otra es Gomonas.
- ¿Y ahí qué pasa?.
- ¿Ahí Dios? - pregunta el querubín con una mirada lasciva en sus ojos, un temblequeo en sus manos y un fino hilo de baba cayéndole de la comisura del labio. - Ahí...es como en Sodoma Don Dios...
- Ah, lo mismo que en la otra ciu...
- ...pero son todas...todas mujeres... - dice y un sonido gutural sale de su garganta.
- Son tod...todas muj...Upa...¿todas mujeres?.
- Sisisisisi - dice el querubín excitadísimo y con los ojos en blanco. - Y andan todas juntitas de las manitos y en vez de caminar dan saltitos y corretean por las praderas y usan kipas...
- ¿Kipas para agarrarse el pelo? - pregunta curioso Dios.
- No no no. Pa-ra ves-tir-se.
- ¿Como para...?.
Silencio.
- Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...¿en serio?. ¿Usan nada mas que...? - pregunta Dios haciendo un círculo sobre su cabeza.
- Si Diosito. Eso es lo único que usan para vestirse. Después, están como usted las mandó al mundo.
Los dos se quedan mirándose.
- ¡Vamo`a ver!.
- Si, si, si - festeja el querubín.
- ¡Fiesta fiesta, pluma pluma hey!.
- ¡Como lo quiero Don Dió!.
- ¡No me dejen acá! - grita Cristo que llega corriendo.
Y ahí nomás se van todos a espiar Gomonas, antes de decidir qué hacer con aquellas ciudades que vivían fuera del camino del Señor, sumergidas en el pecado más absoluto...¡pero qué lindos pecados! (dependiendo, claro está, de los gustos de cada uno).
Continuará...
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